how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
