did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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