I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
