You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
