Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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