Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
