so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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