Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
