I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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