Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
