oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
