I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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