i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
