just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
