nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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