Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
