Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
