I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize