u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
