Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
