ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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