Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
