There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
