based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
