I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
