Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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