I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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