So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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