i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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