Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've blown a few things in my day
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
