I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
