I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
