it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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