Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
