how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
