I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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