I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
