I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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