i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
