no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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