I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
