its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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