we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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