DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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