Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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