Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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