forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
