I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
