You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
