I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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