Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
