YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
