I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
