I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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