somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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