I hate all girls vehemently.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
