I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
