you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
