I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
