you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
