dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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