I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
