My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think im going to throw up on grandma
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
